Currently Listening Goodbye Alice in Wonderland By Jewel see related

I am so tired. I am ready for a change.  I keep thinking of all of these things that I want to do, but I feel so stuck.  I am tired of my job and I can't keep up with my school work.  In fact, the thought of having at least 2 more years in college makes want to jump out the window.  Ok, not really, but I just want to be done. I feel like I am just waiting for things to happen...for my life to begin.  I have the tendency to forget that I am living my life right now.

I have realized that most of the things I complain about are results of things that I have done and the decisions that I have made.  It is funny how the decisions that you are making may seem small at the time, but years later, they creep back up on you.  I was told all of my life that this would happen, that someday all the things that you do in your life come back on you.  But I think it is a lesson like many others, you have to figure it out for yourself. It doesn't seem true until it happens to you. 

I am at a point in my life when I have to make start making some very important decisions and I have to make them soon.  Then again, I think maybe those things have already been decided.  I know what I want.  It is fear that is holding me back.  Fear of trying, of failure, not being good enough.  I am always second guessing myself.  What if this isn't right for me?  What if it doesn't work out?  How do I know that I am making the right choice?  People always tell me, "It will all work out."  But I don't believe that.  I don't believe that things just happen the way that they are supposed to all the time.  I think that you have to make things happen, that you have to strive for things that you want and take responsibility for your life.  I told a friend the other day that it was time for him to do what he really wanted, that he couldn't just stay where he was because it was safe. I know that I need to take my own advice...I just don't know where to go from here.

Children are amazing little beings, they still see the world as pure and simple.  They are so curious and ask a million questions about everything that comes into their mind and are so eager to learn.  They can see good where adults see only the negative and they give you unconditional love.  They still have incredible faith in people and in God.  They don't care about what you look like or where you are from.  But in time this fades, the world takes it's toll.  We teach them that they have to be beautiful, to conform, to judge, to hate and we let them down.

But when do we reach the age where we no longer see the positive things, where the world is just this terrible place that we live in?  When and how do we learn to hate?  When do we stop asking questions, longing to know more, and become so complacent? When do we realize that people will let you down? When do we start loosing faith? 

I know that people tend to think of children as being niave, but I don't think that at all. I think they are smarter and understand more than we give them credit for. In many ways, I wish that I could approach the world more like a child.  I wish that I had that kind of energy and optimism, and that my faith and view of God was as simple, yet as strong as that of my four year old niece. I think that we can learn a lot from children if we stop for a few moments and take the time to listen, to watch and to see the world from their view.

Currently Watching Vertigo see related

I am so sick of school! Thank God spring break is almost here. Oh, but wait, I don't really get a spring break.  That's right, I will be doing papers all week.  Not that I am bitter about it or anything.  But why do three of my teachers feel the need to make papers due within the first two days that we get back? In my opinion, it seems kind of ridiculous!  What is the point of even having a break if you have to do school work the entire time?  ERRRRRRR.....Sorry, I needed to vent!

But on a brighter note, Brent will be here!  And that is something I can look forward to!  I think we are going to Cumberland Falls for a couple days and that should be fun!

I don't think I have anything else to rant about at the moment.  I'm off to do some more homework.

Currently Reading The Japanese Discovery of America: A Brief Biography With Documents (Bedford Series in History and Culture) see related

There is this hunger
This restlessness inside of me
And it knows that you're no stranger
You're my gravity

My hands will adore you through all darknesss aim
They will lay you out in moonlight
And reinvent your name
For I am wanting you
And I am needing you here
I need you near
Inside the absence of fear                                                                                            

                                 -Jewel

Obviously I didn't write this, but it pretty much sums up how I feel at the moment.

I had an amazing weekend in Iowa.  I apologize if I didn't make it to see some of you, but it is hard to see everyone in 2 and a half days.  I am sure that I will be back again, eventually.